Old Spice | The Man Your Man Could Smell Like

Original:

Grover:

You know what’s a terrible experience? Sniffles in a public bathroom.

Not the type of sniffles where your nose is so plugged up, you feel like a blast of compressed air wouldn’t even get through ; the type of sniffles where you can be sure that if did not wipe, or sniffle every few seconds, there will be a little drop of snot on the tip of your nose. All day, every few seconds you wipe your nose with a tissue just to keep from getting a puddle on your keyboard, and then you have to go to the bathroom.

You walk into the bathroom and see that at least one of the stalls is occupied and there is a certain olfactory “character” to the air. It smells terrible.

You sidle up to the urinal and start your business when you feel the slight tickle of snot as it trickles down your nasal passage. Since you are an adult now and you don’t want the tell-tale whitish streak up your sleeve, you avoid the sleeve wipe technique. Regardless, you are peeing, so while the sleeve wipe technique may have worked, the sudden lateral movement could not only cause the “white streak on sleeve”, but also an embarrassing “splash mark on pants.” So you do the next best thing, instinctively, you sniffle; an instinctive explosive inhalation of air, through the nose of mouth into the lungs, to avoid expelling nasal mucus. That sudden inhalation is followed by the realization that you just inhaled the aroma your stalled neighbor expelled, and you realize that at the rate you are urinating, there will need to be at least one more sniffle, and you cry a little inside.

So those of you who know me, know that I have a passing interest in cars. The paris motorshow is going on, so I thought I'd post some of my thoughts on the cars there. I used the Edmunds unveiling site As my guide.

Here, my first impressions on most of them:

Jaguar C-x75 - that is the future of cars, beautiful, possibly efficient, fast.

Lambo Sesto Elemento - looks like some sort of futuristic kitchen utensil. An angry utensil.

The Audi Quattro concept is quite nice, but never will be built, and if it is, it will get 15 mpg.

Audi E-tron, is well etron (lol that they didnt change the name for Paris). Whenever a car company releases a "spyder" version of an existing concept, you know that is their way of saying: "um, we didnt come up with anything new, so we removed the roof off of this one"

Bentley Conti GT - Still looks the same, meh

BMW 6 series - I see they still haven't figured out that that 6 series makes their butt look ugly.

Brabus Smart ForTwo - so now we are going to polish piles of crap?

Chevy's offerings

Aveo: Cool, a small car that is only a few years too late.

Chevy Captiva: great another small SUV. Says they will offer a manual...probably only in Europe, Americans are too challenged to use their left foot and drive at the same time.

CHevy Cruze Hatchback: This is all I have to say: "In Europe, the Cruze is the bestselling compact sedan in such countries as Germany, Italy, Spain and the U.K. This year, it has become Chevrolet's top-selling global passenger-car nameplate."

and...wait for it...bam!

"GM says it has no immediate plans to market the Cruze hatchback in the U.S."

Spark Woody: Does not give me woody. Do not want.

Citroen C4 - Dissapointingly, unlike its namesake, fails to explode. Interesting engine idea though

Citroen Lacoste - Two of France's iconic brands come together to create some etron with square wheels. I mean, come on Lacoste, you are a clothing company, why would you ever slap your name on anything that can be described as: "high beltline, bulging fenders and short front and rear overhangs. ... golf ball style ... inflatable soft top ..." Seriously.

Ferrari SA something - only 80 made, I will never see one/drive one. looks like a convertible 599, oh wait, thats what it is.

Fisker Karma - *cough cough* Vaporware *cough*

WRC cars - drool. I love wrc cars, all of them, no matter how poorly they do in races, I love compact cars with awd and big hp.

Ford Focus and Focus St - Come on Ford, I have a hard time focusing on these bland cars, and you think it will be fixed by imitating Jill Masterson with the ST?

Honda Jazz Hybrid - If its fuel economy is anything like the crz, this will be a massive disappointment.

Hyundai Ix20 - As this would be an interesting addition to the small hatch market here in the us "There are no plans to bring either vehicle to the U.S. market at this time"

Infiniti blah blah g-coupe - pay us almost $20,000 more than the stock luxury coupe and we'll give you 7 speeds and more hp. The car will still be slow though.

Infinity blah blah g coupe convertible - see Audi etron spyder comment.

Infinity M35H - Want to see if the real world mpg really match up, but it is an interesting competition in the luxury hybrid market. Wish car manufacturers would just realize that clean diesel can get 40 mpg and lots of torque too.

Kia Pop EV Concept - This is the type of concept car that 20 years from now will be laughed it. People will look back and say: "really? we thought that was the future of design?"

Range Rover Evoque - ANother cute little SUV, only this time it looks like they've given it a rising waist-line so rear visibility will be limited to a camera. It will still get 20 mpg highway, and will have lost most of its off road capability, but those who will buy it will treat parking it on the fallen leaves at the country club as off roading, so no worries there.

Lexus IS - *yawn* this looks like last years IS, with the headlights all audi'd up.

Lotus - These are the stars of the show. Holy crap, lotus brought out the big guns to this show. I had thought Lotus had gone nuts with the Evora and designed the car they should have built, but then they turn around and show the Elan, Elise, Esprite, Elite and Eterne (notice the pattern?) I am still a little wary of a luxury sports car with toyota engine costing six figures. I mean, right now, I can go and get a used Elise for 35 grand, I definitely not be able to do that with the next Elise.

Maserati GT MC Stradale - I really want to like this car. I has a great profile, but it just sort of looks like a Mazda rx-8 was in an orgy with a ferrari and a pig.

Mazda 2 - Hey, its smiling at me! Why is it smiling at me? The fog lights look like dimples. its cute, like a best friends little sister.

Mazda 5 - Hey, its smiling at me! Why is it smiling at me? It has some "character lines" down its side and is a little more mature than the Mazda 2. Its like your best friends cute mom.

Mazda Shinari - Like your best friends angry giant fish. Not cute at all.

Mercedes CLS - The CLS is getting older, and it shows. As it gets older, it gets more lines, only they are not always "good" lines. The CLS is aging like a smoker, more lines are appearing and they are not attractive. It's insides are all black and carbon'd up too.

Mini CountryMan WRC - see the wrc post above. I love this car.

Mini Scooter - I kind of like it. Of all the vehicles that are used for short trips on a daily basis, scooters make the most EV sense.

Nissan Townpod - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfuWXRZe9yA

Opel GTC - Apparently this car is based on a quote from a book: "and the speed was pure beauty." I have another quote for it: "Beauty without expression is boring."

Someone should base a car on the most famous line from Hocus Pocus:

"Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance." (Kurt Vonnegut)

Peugeot 3008 Hybrid4 - Holly sh*it, someone actually did it, made a diesel hybrid, and just for fun, they threw in an AWD system. And since this is Europe, of course it's a hatch.

Peugeot HR1 - It's cute and slightly reminiscent of the vehicross, lets hope it does better than that disaster.

Porsche 911 Carrera GTS - It looks like the last 30 years of 911's, only they finally came back to decent headlights after an experimental "ugly" phase a few years back. There is a reason porsche hasnt gone away from the pancake'd beetle look; It works. This one isnt quite GT3, but is faster than the "S" version. I'll take the base model and have plenty of fun.

Porsche 911 speedster - this looks fine from the front, but then you see that they decided the go with the "blue camel" look in the rear. See other comments about convertibles

Renault Laguna - A body of water cut off from another body of water. Also a boring french car with a diesel engine and wagon variant. Wake me up when they make it a hybrid, oh wait, don't bother, it will still be boring.

Renault Dezir - Whoa, I was too busy falling asleep after seeing the laguna, and then surprise, like a boob falling out of a bikini at the beach, I see the Dezir. Dezir, like "dis' here dezir is gorgeous"

Rolls Royce - When a 17ft Mercedes just isnt expensive enough or long enough, there is the 20ft Rolls Royce to sail around in, literally, its like a boat, with 4 wheels.

Saab 9-3 ep... - How come some electric vehicles list their power in kW and some list HP? This looks like the 9-3 wagon I test drove years ago.

Seat IBE - ANother attractive hatchback for europe...but this one is electric, and looks good, really good. I would drive it, now if they just put a tiny turbine in the back that could extend its range to 500 miles.

Smart Escooter - see Mini scooter

Toyota Verso-S - three words: "Yaris-based microvan" Somehow I would never think those three words could go together. It also looks sort of like the Nissan Versa, only this is the Toyota vers-o...s.

Volvo V60 - Volvo finally puts out a wagon, after killing the v70 last year in favor of the xc70 WUV (wagon-ish utility vehicle, all the clearance of a wagon, with the fuel economy of an SUV). It's an attractive car, the uS version will probably get 23 mpg highway and automatically sponsor a bill in congress mandating some random safety feature every time it mows down another pedestrian when it's computer aided "safety system" fails