Pun Intended

The most lonely tree

2011-11-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

In 1973 the tree of Ténéré was estimated to be 300 years old, and could have been much older.
For centuries, the tree sat alone in the middle of the Sahara, the most remote tree in the world, 250 miles from the nearest civilization.
Nomads would travel for miles across the desert, every day looking for the arboreal lighthouse in the middle of the sands.
With roots reaching down over 100 feet to reach the depressed water table in the Sahara, the tree of Ténéré was literally, rooted in place.

It watched the Sahara get drier and drier; it stood watch as the world far separated from it went from a world of horses and wood to a world of steel and concrete.

It stood and shaded its little portion of the desert through at least 4 African empires, French colonization, and Niger independence.

The tree, probably not alone at the time, was standing when Harvard was founded, Galileo was found guilty, and the Ming dynasty was brought to a crashing end by a Manchu invasion.

The Salem witch trials came and went, Isaac Newton brought the law of gravity to the world, and James Cook claimed Australia for England.

A few colonists thousands of miles away rebelled and formed the United States of America, the French rebelled, and the world population went from under a billion to 6 billion people.

Alone it stood there, 250 miles of open space on every side, and then in 1973 a drunken truck driver struck it and killed it. WTF is wrong with people? I understand being a truck driver through the Sahara is a long boring job, but seriously, one obstacle for 250 miles and you hit it?

Niger has erected a metal facsimile in its place and the actual tree can be seen in Niamey, Niger.

For those who missed it

2011-10-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

So, it's been about a year, but surprise! I got married.

I can't fully capture the entire wedding in words, suffice to say, it was a great day.
Here are my vows (To be read in the style of Dr. Seuss)

I do love you, I opine
I will love you rain or shine
I do love you Caroline

I would love you here or there.
I will love you anywhere.

I will love you when you’re well.
I will love you when you yell.

I will stand by you when we’re rich.
I will stand by you in a ditch

I will support you in all you do
I’ll sing your praises ‘til my face turns blue

I’ll give you hugs when you’re not warm
I’ll be your shelter in a storm

Rain or sun, here or there
Mad or sad, I’ll be there I swear
Rich or poor, warm or cold
Sick or well, ‘til we’re gray and old
I do love you, Caroline
I will love you, for all time

Old Spice | The Man Your Man Could Smell Like

2010-10-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

Original:

Grover:

2010-10-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

You know what’s a terrible experience? Sniffles in a public bathroom.

Not the type of sniffles where your nose is so plugged up, you feel like a blast of compressed air wouldn’t even get through ; the type of sniffles where you can be sure that if did not wipe, or sniffle every few seconds, there will be a little drop of snot on the tip of your nose. All day, every few seconds you wipe your nose with a tissue just to keep from getting a puddle on your keyboard, and then you have to go to the bathroom.

You walk into the bathroom and see that at least one of the stalls is occupied and there is a certain olfactory “character” to the air. It smells terrible.

You sidle up to the urinal and start your business when you feel the slight tickle of snot as it trickles down your nasal passage. Since you are an adult now and you don’t want the tell-tale whitish streak up your sleeve, you avoid the sleeve wipe technique. Regardless, you are peeing, so while the sleeve wipe technique may have worked, the sudden lateral movement could not only cause the “white streak on sleeve”, but also an embarrassing “splash mark on pants.” So you do the next best thing, instinctively, you sniffle; an instinctive explosive inhalation of air, through the nose of mouth into the lungs, to avoid expelling nasal mucus. That sudden inhalation is followed by the realization that you just inhaled the aroma your stalled neighbor expelled, and you realize that at the rate you are urinating, there will need to be at least one more sniffle, and you cry a little inside.

2010-10-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

So those of you who know me, know that I have a passing interest in cars. The paris motorshow is going on, so I thought I'd post some of my thoughts on the cars there. I used the Edmunds unveiling site As my guide.

Here, my first impressions on most of them:

Jaguar C-x75 - that is the future of cars, beautiful, possibly efficient, fast.

Lambo Sesto Elemento - looks like some sort of futuristic kitchen utensil. An angry utensil.

The Audi Quattro concept is quite nice, but never will be built, and if it is, it will get 15 mpg.

Audi E-tron, is well etron (lol that they didnt change the name for Paris). Whenever a car company releases a "spyder" version of an existing concept, you know that is their way of saying: "um, we didnt come up with anything new, so we removed the roof off of this one"

Bentley Conti GT - Still looks the same, meh

BMW 6 series - I see they still haven't figured out that that 6 series makes their butt look ugly.

Brabus Smart ForTwo - so now we are going to polish piles of crap?

Chevy's offerings

Aveo: Cool, a small car that is only a few years too late.

Chevy Captiva: great another small SUV. Says they will offer a manual...probably only in Europe, Americans are too challenged to use their left foot and drive at the same time.

CHevy Cruze Hatchback: This is all I have to say: "In Europe, the Cruze is the bestselling compact sedan in such countries as Germany, Italy, Spain and the U.K. This year, it has become Chevrolet's top-selling global passenger-car nameplate."

and...wait for it...bam!

"GM says it has no immediate plans to market the Cruze hatchback in the U.S."

Spark Woody: Does not give me woody. Do not want.

Citroen C4 - Dissapointingly, unlike its namesake, fails to explode. Interesting engine idea though

Citroen Lacoste - Two of France's iconic brands come together to create some etron with square wheels. I mean, come on Lacoste, you are a clothing company, why would you ever slap your name on anything that can be described as: "high beltline, bulging fenders and short front and rear overhangs. ... golf ball style ... inflatable soft top ..." Seriously.

Ferrari SA something - only 80 made, I will never see one/drive one. looks like a convertible 599, oh wait, thats what it is.

Fisker Karma - *cough cough* Vaporware *cough*

WRC cars - drool. I love wrc cars, all of them, no matter how poorly they do in races, I love compact cars with awd and big hp.

Ford Focus and Focus St - Come on Ford, I have a hard time focusing on these bland cars, and you think it will be fixed by imitating Jill Masterson with the ST?

Honda Jazz Hybrid - If its fuel economy is anything like the crz, this will be a massive disappointment.

Hyundai Ix20 - As this would be an interesting addition to the small hatch market here in the us "There are no plans to bring either vehicle to the U.S. market at this time"

Infiniti blah blah g-coupe - pay us almost $20,000 more than the stock luxury coupe and we'll give you 7 speeds and more hp. The car will still be slow though.

Infinity blah blah g coupe convertible - see Audi etron spyder comment.

Infinity M35H - Want to see if the real world mpg really match up, but it is an interesting competition in the luxury hybrid market. Wish car manufacturers would just realize that clean diesel can get 40 mpg and lots of torque too.

Kia Pop EV Concept - This is the type of concept car that 20 years from now will be laughed it. People will look back and say: "really? we thought that was the future of design?"

Range Rover Evoque - ANother cute little SUV, only this time it looks like they've given it a rising waist-line so rear visibility will be limited to a camera. It will still get 20 mpg highway, and will have lost most of its off road capability, but those who will buy it will treat parking it on the fallen leaves at the country club as off roading, so no worries there.

Lexus IS - *yawn* this looks like last years IS, with the headlights all audi'd up.

Lotus - These are the stars of the show. Holy crap, lotus brought out the big guns to this show. I had thought Lotus had gone nuts with the Evora and designed the car they should have built, but then they turn around and show the Elan, Elise, Esprite, Elite and Eterne (notice the pattern?) I am still a little wary of a luxury sports car with toyota engine costing six figures. I mean, right now, I can go and get a used Elise for 35 grand, I definitely not be able to do that with the next Elise.

Maserati GT MC Stradale - I really want to like this car. I has a great profile, but it just sort of looks like a Mazda rx-8 was in an orgy with a ferrari and a pig.

Mazda 2 - Hey, its smiling at me! Why is it smiling at me? The fog lights look like dimples. its cute, like a best friends little sister.

Mazda 5 - Hey, its smiling at me! Why is it smiling at me? It has some "character lines" down its side and is a little more mature than the Mazda 2. Its like your best friends cute mom.

Mazda Shinari - Like your best friends angry giant fish. Not cute at all.

Mercedes CLS - The CLS is getting older, and it shows. As it gets older, it gets more lines, only they are not always "good" lines. The CLS is aging like a smoker, more lines are appearing and they are not attractive. It's insides are all black and carbon'd up too.

Mini CountryMan WRC - see the wrc post above. I love this car.

Mini Scooter - I kind of like it. Of all the vehicles that are used for short trips on a daily basis, scooters make the most EV sense.

Nissan Townpod - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfuWXRZe9yA

Opel GTC - Apparently this car is based on a quote from a book: "and the speed was pure beauty." I have another quote for it: "Beauty without expression is boring."

Someone should base a car on the most famous line from Hocus Pocus:

"Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance." (Kurt Vonnegut)

Peugeot 3008 Hybrid4 - Holly sh*it, someone actually did it, made a diesel hybrid, and just for fun, they threw in an AWD system. And since this is Europe, of course it's a hatch.

Peugeot HR1 - It's cute and slightly reminiscent of the vehicross, lets hope it does better than that disaster.

Porsche 911 Carrera GTS - It looks like the last 30 years of 911's, only they finally came back to decent headlights after an experimental "ugly" phase a few years back. There is a reason porsche hasnt gone away from the pancake'd beetle look; It works. This one isnt quite GT3, but is faster than the "S" version. I'll take the base model and have plenty of fun.

Porsche 911 speedster - this looks fine from the front, but then you see that they decided the go with the "blue camel" look in the rear. See other comments about convertibles

Renault Laguna - A body of water cut off from another body of water. Also a boring french car with a diesel engine and wagon variant. Wake me up when they make it a hybrid, oh wait, don't bother, it will still be boring.

Renault Dezir - Whoa, I was too busy falling asleep after seeing the laguna, and then surprise, like a boob falling out of a bikini at the beach, I see the Dezir. Dezir, like "dis' here dezir is gorgeous"

Rolls Royce - When a 17ft Mercedes just isnt expensive enough or long enough, there is the 20ft Rolls Royce to sail around in, literally, its like a boat, with 4 wheels.

Saab 9-3 ep... - How come some electric vehicles list their power in kW and some list HP? This looks like the 9-3 wagon I test drove years ago.

Seat IBE - ANother attractive hatchback for europe...but this one is electric, and looks good, really good. I would drive it, now if they just put a tiny turbine in the back that could extend its range to 500 miles.

Smart Escooter - see Mini scooter

Toyota Verso-S - three words: "Yaris-based microvan" Somehow I would never think those three words could go together. It also looks sort of like the Nissan Versa, only this is the Toyota vers-o...s.

Volvo V60 - Volvo finally puts out a wagon, after killing the v70 last year in favor of the xc70 WUV (wagon-ish utility vehicle, all the clearance of a wagon, with the fuel economy of an SUV). It's an attractive car, the uS version will probably get 23 mpg highway and automatically sponsor a bill in congress mandating some random safety feature every time it mows down another pedestrian when it's computer aided "safety system" fails

Powerpoint, the death of office productivity...and maybe the reason we are losing the war

2010-08-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

So I recently read this article on wired: Colonel kicked out of Afghanistan for Anti-Powerpoint rant

Reminded me of this article from the NY Times.

I know McChrystal ws relieved of duty and sent the door, just like the Colonel in the first article, but it made me think about the amount of time I have spent on powerpoint presentations over the past few year. I have come to the conclusion that powerpoint is overused to the point of abuse these days. Do we really have no better way to present our ideas that slides?

Seriously, powerpoint is a tool, but like any tool, use it too much and you begin to rely on it to do things it was not created to do.

For example, I have an awesome set of pliers. I can use them to pull nails out, tighten/loosen stubborn bolts/screws, pretty much anything...almost.
The other day I had to pound a nail into the wall, and I had my pliers in my pocket, so I whipped them out, and using the flat side started pounding away. I ended up missing and hitting my wall and putting a plier shaped indentation in the wall. I also left some nasty little marks on the side of the pliers.

Now take that metaphor and apply it to Powerpoint. I can use it to show people a slideshow. I am trying to sell a piece of software, I put its 10 best points on a few slides with some images and charts and voila, a sales presentation. The customer will still want to see the product. No matter how good the presentation, it is, in the end, just a snapshot (even with animations,) not the real thing.

Now imagine generals using powerpoint to run a war, I can throw 10 points of the war on a powerpoint, and give a concise briefing, but there are a few clear shortcomings:

1. Inevitably the ideas presented are limited to those that can be reduced to bullet points.

2. If presenting to a figure of authority, the incentive is usually to present the positive aspects

3. Combine #1 with #2 and you get a couple of things, a mess in the toilet (lol @ toilet humor) and a bunch of decision makers, making decisions based on bullet points rather than substantive reports. When the decision makers don’t have all the information, they make bad decisions.

Power point has a time and place, but war time briefings should use powerpoint only as short supplements to the real information.

Now lets return to the office world and do a quick revenue calculation. My company (that shall remain unnamed) does an earnings call every quarter and a longer one at the end of the year. Each earnings call is accompanied by several internal and external meetings to go over the numbers/accomplishments etc... There are usually separate presentations by the CEO, CFO and COO , the three highest paid guys in the company and each presentation is about 30 minutes long and has 15 powerpoint slides.

Lets estimate the cost to the company to generate those powerpoint slides. Let's say that these guys are pretty good powerpointers and spend 10 minutes on each slide. I know that they may spend more on some and only a few seconds on the title slide, but lets just say 10 minutes a slide. That means that each presentation took 150 minutes to prepare, 2 1/2 hours for each presentation.

I would estimate our CEO's total compensation (including stock options etc.) to be around $1m. Lets break down the hourly cost of those powerpoints. At $1m a year, our CEO gets paid $544 an hour for working 40 hours a week minus 20 vacation days and 10 holidays.) two and half hours at $544 an hour works out to $1360 for each powerpoint. Multiply that by 3 and you get the $4080 for 1.5 hours of presentation. This happens 4 times a year, so figure in $16,320 for powerpoint presentations a year for our executives.

In the corporate world that doesn't seem that bad, its a micro-percentage of the total revenue. Now expand it to every employee.

Assume that they do more than the exec's, 2 a quarter. Thats 8 a year, only 8 powerpoint presentations, and suddenly we are looking at 1.1% of work time for the average employee being dedicated to creating powerpoints. At $42m a year for payroll expenses, that works out to $455,000 a year spent on powerpoint presentations.

I got the penis image from gapingvoid.com, see licensing agreement here.

2010-08-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

TV - you dont actually need one these days. Yes I intend on getting one, but to be honest, I have now been without a TV for a month now, and I dont miss it at all.

I used to come home from work, get some juice/water/beer/milk and go watch TV. I watched two and half men and family guy, must of seen every episode. I remember being dissapointed when they ended at 8:00, and nothing I wanted to watch was on. I would say, this is the time when having cable would be nice. I'd say I watched an average of 2 hours of TV a day, that means 1/12 of every day of my life was spent sitting in front of TV watching the same thing.

If I live to be 80 (fat chance if I watch that much TV every day) I will have watched TV for almost 7 years (6.67 actually) of my life. That is ridiculous. 7 years . In financial terms, say I earn the US median income of $52,000, 7 years means $347,000 over the course of my lifetime, watching TV.

In the Ukraine, the GDP per capita (not the median income) is $6,900 a year. That means that the time I spend watching TV would be the equivalent of 50 years of labor for a Ukrainian.

Let me say that again in a different way.

First some statistics:

Ukraine

Per Capita GDP - $6900

Life expectancy (male) - 62.7

A Ukrainian (not some poor backwards developing nation in south east Asia or Africa) may start working at age 13 and work until they are 63, when they drop dead and only earn as much (in their entire lifetime) as I have squandered away watching reruns of two and a half men.

So...is that TV show really worth the same amount to you as an entire Ukrainian life of labor?

I just moved, bought a place, and since I am lazy, everything is still in boxes, so there is no room for a TV. I have spent a few hrs here and there watching tv shows on Hulu, but I spent far more reading. If I hadn't dropped a radiator on my foot, I probably would of gone for more runs. I have cooked more, cleaned more and generally felt better, so take that TV.

2010-07-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

So I don't often venture into tv commercial criticism, but I have been seeing a new commercial out there that I find baffling.

I can't find a video of it online, but it is a lady singing opera with subtitles at the bottom, then the cartoon Mr. Opportunity knocks and then come sin and they sing about Honda's.

huh, what?

So whatever advertising firm Honda hired decided that the best way to market to American's is through subtitles and a cartoon character singing opera? I see several problems here:

1. Americans in general do not like Opera. Some absolutely love it, I like Opera. I go to opera and don't expect to understand a single thing, but enjoy the show. For those that do not like opera, this commercial is boring and stupid. For those that do like opera (probably not a huge Honda buying demographic) this commercial takes a great form of entertainment and throws a animated guy into it, annoying at best, offensive at worst.

2. Honda needs to capitulate on Toyota's woes. They need to grab the older market, they can no longer just market to the young people, specially if they insist on building bigger and bigger Accords and ugly disasters like the crosstour. Opera may have been their way of possibly appealing to older crowds. Here's some information that Honda's multi-million dolalr ad company failed to take into account:

Honda makes good cars, a stupid Opera does not demonstrate this
Mixing animation with live acting is an early 90's technology, spend some money, welcome to the 21st century...a decade late.
Selling cars in America takes story.
If you want to do niche ads, market to a group that will actually buy the cars (not that this ad really targeted any group.) Like the recent Dodge commercials. They target American Males between 20 and 45...not a bad demographic, but they really narrowed the focus of the ads, and it shows.

Simple, the commercial has 2 words, and I guarantee that at last 35% of those watching this commercial said, cool at some point during or after the commercial.

Or the Ford truck commercials, which tell a story of what a Ford truck is/represents.

TV commercials, making us all dumber...and sometimes making us poorer.

2010-06-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Does this BP situation seem utterly ridiculous to anyone else:
Step 1: Build deep water platform to get oil, do not have multiple emergency shut-offs in place.
Step 2: Extract Oil, but what happens when the oil is all extracted?
Step 3: Fuck things up and have an oil spill Where were those shut-offs again?
Step 4: Run around like headless chickens yelling "we'll clean it up, it's not our fault" over and over
Step 5: ooooh, more oil, lets build another deep water platform.

Marcus Aurelius's meditations

2010-05-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

So I recently started reading some of Marcus Aurelius's Meditations, written between 170 and 180 CEby...Marcus Aurelius. More on those later, first, some history:

If anyone has watched "Gladiator" with Russell Crowe, they know a couple of things. First, Commodus was a conniving evil bastard who kills his father (the great Marcus Aurelius) and becomes emperor, then along comes a Gladiator, who kills Commodus and returns Rome to a republic. This is not true. This is what I would call "Operation Iraqi Freedom in Rome" Staring Russell Crowe as the savior and that thing on Russell Crowe's forehead as the adorable sidekick. The two of them travel through an ancient dictator ship, seduce a pretty lady with curly hair and then deliver democracy to the struggling nation.

Here is a slightly more reasonable story. Marcus Aurelius was a good emperor (in fact he is considered the final of the "five good emperors" of Rome.) However he was a little more virile than the preceding emperors, and had some sons, including his heir, Commodus. When Commodus was 14, he became a man, and when he was 16, Marcus Aurelius raised him to "imperator" and ruled side by side until Marcus died. Then Commodus became Emperor. After Commodus came Pertinax, then Didius Julianus, then Septimius Severus, and so on and so forth...no Republic in sight, and no Spanish Gladiator to dethrone him.

So, back to the Meditations. Marcus Aurelius was considered a philosopher-emperor and wrote extensively relating to his philisophy: Stoicism. Every once in a while I find a meditation I find sort of confusing and a little interesting. Like the one today from book 10:

A spider is proud when it has caught a fly, and another when he has caught a poor hare, and another when he has taken a little fish in a net, and another when he has taken wild boars, and another when he has taken bears, and another when he has taken Sarmatians. Are not these robbers, if thou examinest their opinions?

Pretty large jump to go from catching a fly, a hare, a bear, and then bam! The Sarmatians. The ancient race that inhabited the land that is now Iran. Wow, quite a jump

Stoicism does not promote personal glory. It remarks how proud animals/people may be when they capture something, but in the end, they are just robbers. Intersting idea, but still, I would argue that the instinct that drives a spider to capture the fly is vastly different than the human instinct to conquer a neighboring territory, even if the end result is just one party "robbing" the life of the other.

Video games

2010-05-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

I have a PS2 that I got for free for helping a friend move. I have 5 video games. I enjoy playing them from time to time, but inevitably, upon finishing an hour or 20 of staring at the tv screen immersed in what is a made up world, I feel empty. I feel like I just ate an entire bowl of jello, slightly full but really really unfulfilled, and kind of sick. Escaping into imaginary worlds is a fun exercise and I try to do it often, however video games are someone elses imagination. How can you imagine what it looks like to drive at 200 mph, when someone else has provided the sights and sounds...all you have to provide is the imaginary smell, taste, and feel; it smells and tastes like cherry and feels like cubified snot.

Some games have you enjoying adventures through mystical lands, but most have you racing other players, or shooting faceless enemies. Personal interaction consists of yelling obscenities over your headset (if you're playing multiplayer) or at the AI "enemies" as they mercilessly ruin precious minutes of "progress" that you made through a digital maze.

I did some reading this morning on a video game called Red Dead Redemption. It's a story about a guy in the old west who can be good or evil and can pretty much do whatever he wants. He can explore the vast prairie and search for treasure, or shoot prostitutes and skin cows, the choices are endless. I pasted a trailer below, and I have to admit I am tempted to play. But the reviews talk about "endless replayability" and how one reviewer "spent 6 hours just exploring the landscape".

Last weekend I spent 2 hours exploring the woods on my bike. I got a tick, I lost my gloves, and as it was my first "longer" mountain bike ride of the year (no comments super-Trish), my legs felt like rubber the next day. I've ridden in those woods literally dozens of times. I know almost every path, but on Saturday I met Morgan, an Autralian Shepherd with a great personality (she is a dog.) It was the best 10 minutes of my ride. When I got back to the parking lot, I drove home and sat down on the couch with a beer. I looked at my dusty ps2, contemplated upgrading to a ps3 and instead started stretching, because the next day was time for some water polo, or in other words, yelling obscenities at others in real life and I wanted to win.

2010-04-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

Some quotes about living that I am most definitely not following in my bland banal life:

They say the unexamined life is not worth living.

I THINK PERHAPS YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. PEOPLE'S WHOLE LIVES DO PASS IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES BEFORE THEY DIE. THE PROCESS IS CALLED "LIVING."

Oh when no ones yet explained to me exactly what's so great

About slaving 50 years away on something that you hate,

About meekly shuffling down the path of mediocrity

Well if that's your road then take it but it's not the road for me...

2010-03-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

commuter dreams

it's funny, when I commute by bike, I often do the Phil and Paul voice-overs in my head, nice to see i'm obviously not the only one.

2010-02-18T06:34:00.001-08:00

Another day, another piece of cake for breakfast. Red velvet with cream cheese frosting today. I think I am becoming the cake for breakfast man (either that or Captain Diabetic after all this sugar)

It reminded me of this video:

cake

2010-02-17T09:04:00.000-08:00

I am having cake for lunch. This probably could qualify as a status update or twitter post, but I don't use twitter and like announcing it via my blog.

Inappropriate names, Pakistan and fun with google translate.

2010-02-08T10:59:00.000-08:00

Apparently a quite able Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as a candidate for ambassador to Saudi Arabia because his name translates as "biggest dick".

According to the Foreign Policy Blog post:

"A high level Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as Ambassador of Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, equates to "Biggest Dick" in Arabic. Saudi officials, apparently overwhelmed by the idea of the name, put their foot down and gave the idea of his being posted there, the kibosh."

link: http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2010/02/03/ambassador_at_very_large

I really can't make this stuff up!

So I followed the link to the original article at Arab Times and then translated the Arabic page using Google translate. Funny hijinks ensue: link to translation

"...reject the Arab Gulf Cooperation Council to accept the credentials (the biggest cock) a new Pakistani ambassador ..."

"The Pakistani government has decided to appoint (the biggest cock) ambassador in the UAE, but its request was turned down..."

and finally:

"...His Highness Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed, President of Pakistan's new ambassador to the State's largest cock ... Who presented his credentials to His Highness Sheikh Khalifa ... And His Excellency (the biggest dick) was pleased to meet His Highness Sheikh who carried (the biggest cock) presents his compliments to the people of Pakistan"

Check out the link above to read the entire translated story.

Moving to another part of the world, Southern India, where the name Mahalingham is quite popular. Just Google it, lots of names come up. Why do I bring this up? Because if you break down Mahalingham into it's parts, you get:

Maha - meaning great

Lingha - Phallus

Great Phallus. Mothers have to be pretty sure of their son's (or daughters) future confidence to name them great phallus.

On that note, In the immortal words of the great Johnny Cash: "And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him . . . Bill or George, any damn thing but Akbar Zib or Mahalingham"

Dutch Ovens and Mormons

2010-02-04T06:29:00.000-08:00

So I was doing some research a while back, not sure what I was researching, but I stumbled across this little factoid:
The official cooking pot of Utah is the dutch oven.
Utah Cooking Pot

Yup you read that right, back in 1996, while the rest of America was enjoying economic boom and Bill Clinton was boffing interns and deciding cloning is a bad thing, Utah decided at 7:18 AM on 12/5/1996 to approve the dutch oven as the official state cooking pot. Here's the actual bill:
Utah Bill

I love the last part:
"A limited legal review of this bill raises no obvious constitutional or statutory concerns."

They must of forgotten about the hidden 28th amendment banning foreign named cooking instruments from official status! The 28th amendment was later changed to include "fart related objects" from holding official status. What does "limited legal review" mean? They searched the constitution for dutch oven and didn't find it? Can you imagine a legal clerk having that land on his desk?
"Please investigate constitutional or statutory concerns issues related to naming out state cooking pot as the dutch oven"

3 years of law school to look into what's essentially a giant Utah fart joke?

A short (true) story

2010-02-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

When it snows, people seem to be magnetically drawn to grocery stores.

The girl with the blue hair was there again, restocking the sliced cheeses. She's stick thin, and her hair is a washed out sort of blue, like hair that has been dyed while ago. As she bends over to stack the sliced cheeses into their neat rows, I notice that we're wearing the same boxers; red with dogs on them, a holiday special from a few years back at the Gap. Trader Joe's always has the most interesting employees. There is inevitably the bearded guy somewhere, the girl with the really short hair and the obnoxious guy who insists you have to try "the new vegan chocolate crackers." I tried them once, they tasted terrible.

I always refuse to get a cart at Trader Joe's, it seems like overkill. I never buy more than a few items, but carts always seem like driving a Mini-van by yourself. As I walked down the 4 aisles before hitting the produce section, I randomly filled my basket with items, a pint of Italian Grapefruit soda, some sliced cheese ("Excuse me" to the girl with the blue hair), a bag of those bake at home rolls. Finally shuffling into the bleak desert of an end of January grocery store produce section in New England.

Plastic wrapped cucumbers, sickly looking oranges, and bananas doing their best Dalmatian impression. I grab one of each and on to the last stop, the dairy section. There is a guy there, steel toed boots worn down to the steel, pants with holes and paint in equal abundance, and 2 hoodies covered by a blue Dickies work jacket. He has paint in his hair and as I get closer, I can see that the left arm on his glasses, long broken, is soldered into place. He grabs a gallon of milk, checks the price and then puts it back and takes the half gallon. His basket only has a dozen eggs and now the half gallon of milk. I glance down at mine, full of salami, overpriced produce, and the sliced cheese the girl with the blue hair stacked so neatly.

We both head towards the register and as we get there, a new line opens up, I politely let him go before me and place my basket on the little ledge as the cashier (short haired girl) rings him up.
"$4.19"
He pulls out his battered wallet and slides his credit card through the reader. The register beeps at the cashier and the asks him to try it again. Again, beep.
"Is it a gift card? It says here that there isn't sufficient balance."
It's not a gift card.

He fumbles with his wallet pulling out all his cards, but knowing that there wasn't any forgotten money in there. He mumbles that he doesn't have another way to pay and, with his head down walks away from the cash register and grabs his folding grocery
cart. On his way out the door, I see that his folding grocery cart is filled with bags from Shaws, another grocery store about a half mile away.
He had walked a half a mile extra in worn out boots to save a dollar on milk and eggs.
"$33.75"
I pull the two twenties out of my wallet and haphazardly stuff the change into my pocket.

I walk slowly to my car, put my groceries in the back, and sit and stare at the snow accumulating on windshield.

Subaru thoughts

2010-01-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

Hi there.

I apologize for 2 car posts in a row. I know this blog was going to be more diverse and cover a variety of topics, but I got lazy and wrote 2 days in a row about stuff I know about. Suck it.

So I own a Subaru (ok don't own it yet, i'm making payments). It's an Impreza. The name really bothers me, this post is getting a little too Jerry Seindfeldish, but to be honest, aside from the lame humor and the odd hair, the stupid tv show...ok he has no redeeming characteristics, but pushing on.
I have an Impreza. There really isn't much impressive about it. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad car, I love the AWD and and the romping 168hp gets me where I need to go, but it's just not impressive. I did a little research between the beginning of the blog and here, and found out (thanks Wikipedia) that the Impreza is named after an Italian word meaning feat or achievement. The next model up got the acronym treatment (WRX), and one step higher got STI which stand for World Rally Cross Country and Subaru Tecnica International.

Interesting. I have the base model, the 2.5i Doesn't really stand for anything, 2.5 liter engine with i-Active Valve Lift System. Huh? A racing series, and racing company and an i-Active Valve Lift System? I can't make heads or tails of this, Send it down to Chief O'Brien for analysis.

You know what they should of called it? Something to show it's background, something with a some real Japanese history attached to it. Here are the first things that come to mind:
Subaru Samurai - oh wait that was already a lame tiny 4x4 in the 80's
Subaru Sony - not gonna work
Subaru Tribeca - wait, they already used that one and it refers to a neighborhood in New York
Subaru 2.5X - this really works, better than 2.5i anyways
Subaru Meiji Restoration - Just doesn't really roll of the tongue
Subaru Hentai - for 18+ drivers only.
Subaru ______ - what do you think they should of called the Impreza?
I've included a picture of a 2.5i (that looks a lot like mine) below, so take a look at it for inspiration and then let me know what you think.

Saab + Spyker = Weird European fetish love?

2010-01-27T06:23:00.001-08:00

Here's the breakdown:

Luxury sports car/race car brand that has never turned a profit in last 10 years pairs with defunct GM brand that has mediocre cars, and a plant in Sweden. Sounds like pure gold to me.

What does Saab get out of it? It gets to keep living.

Spyker on the other hand, for 40 million (with some additional loans) gets, a factory in Sweden, a platform that has been hailed as the next Jesus (2012 Saab 9-5), a bunch of crappy Opel based models, and $600 Million in guaranteed loans.

Spyker pretty much gets free loans/factory during a terrible time for the automotive industry, Saab gets...um..not much.

The equation looks like this:

Super car manufacturer with experience running non-profitable business acquires dying brand that can't post a profit, sounds like a winning combination to me (sarcasm).

Spyker makes awesome cars, but is still stuck in the mentality that race cars sell regular cars.
To make things even worse, when it comes to super cars, Spyker, besides an odd look isn't the fastest/coolest/newest/most powerful kid on the block. They produce cars with 400-ish hp cars that can go 0-60 in around 4.5 seconds and can get up to 180. The new Corvette's can do that, an M3/5/6 can do that. Doesn't sound that special. To quote one of my favorite movies:
"When everyone is special, no one is special".

They essentially make street legal race cars. Last I checked, people didn't buy Saabs because they wanted to go fast, they bought them because they had unique quirks and made them (and their elbow patch blazers) feel special.

Pretty much the only thing special about Spyker is they are Dutch. The last major contribution the Dutch made towards advancing mankind was cyclocross. oh wait, that's the Belgians, um, the dutch invented some small pots that can be used to bake in. They are know for Gouda, windmills and...oh and almost ruining the European economy in the 17th century with a Tulip bulb bubble (this is true, read about it more here).

In order to succeed, Spyker really has to hit a home run with the new 9-5 and start producing something that turns peoples heads.

Spyker does def. produce weird looking cars:

And so did/does Saab (yes, that's a Saab Sonnett, a sports car with a name that sounds like a 14 line poem)

So maybe it is a match made in weird car heaven. Time will tell.

Working out in the morning

2010-01-25T10:25:00.001-08:00

This morning marked the [insert number greater than 50] morning where I did not get up to work out. I actually set an alarm for 45 minutes early, which I promptly turned off, rolled over to my warm fiance and went back to sleep for an hour. If I had gotten up, this is what I would of done (I know this because for a precious month last winter, I did this):

1. Bathroom/toothbrushing
2. Pound down a bunch of water
3. Rummage around drawer looking for spandex
4. Get Yelled at by aforementioned fiance for "being stupid loud"
5. Find spandex
6. Head down to basement
7. Realize I forgot socks and return upstairs to repeat steps 3 -6
8. Check tires on bike, realize rear one is flat again
9. Replace rear tube
10. Pop random movie in dvd player
11. get on bike
12. realize I am still in my boxers, get off of bike and change to spandex
13. get back on bike, press play on dvd player, discover that I am watching a terrible movie.
14. watch movie anyways while spinning my brains away in a hot basement, my head 6 inches from the ceiling
15. Realize that my anticipated 1 hr "ride" has been reduced to 30 mins by steps 1-13.
16. Finish up, go upstairs, get in shower
17. Proceed as if it were normal day...except I am so hungry now I can barely make it to work (I eat breakfast at work)

By contrast, today I:
1. Bathroom/toothbrushing
...
16. Finish up, go upstairs, get in shower
17. Proceed as if it were normal day

I really do need to get back on the bike.

A quick introduction and explanation.

2010-01-22T14:32:00.000-08:00

A quick note on the blog title. Any puns are intended and Picard was the best Star Trek Captain. Any attempts to convince me otherwise will be met by massive ignorance and awesome stubbornness. I am not a Star Trek expert and don't even have the command uniform pajamas, so don't think you can emasculate me (yes I'm male) by spouting off obscure Star Trek facts and opinions, because frankly, I don't care.

Beer at 8:30am, AKA Job Interview Number 1

2010-01-22T13:51:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time I had a blog, but I found I had nothing interesting to write, so the blog died a natural blog death, 4 posts and then lost to oblivion. I think that the internet is broken down like this:

79% porn

10% forums of people arguing with idiots

5% blogs with 4 posts

4% the google.

1% legitimate (non-porn) webpages

1% email money scams (I has a clients in baghdad with $1MILLION USD currency cash for you!)

I’m going to try and be a little better with this blog.

My current goal is to find a new job. I’ll have to write a future blog on what type of job I am looking for, but I thought I’d just start to document the job search so far.

So first of all, last night I did not swim, instead I prepared for my interview today. Interestingly enough, all my preparation could not have prepared me for what I found.

So the interview was in a business park, and the day started with me parked in back lot (I haven’t driven to work in almost 5 years) after arriving 20 minutes early. A guy in a suit pulls up in the spot next to me in a Ford truck. He cracks open a can of beer, pounds it, and then walks into the office park. This is not some dinky little place, in this complex alone there are 2 fortune 500 companies, so this was a little unexpected. Crossing my fingers that he wasn’t one of my interviewers, I went up.

I was informed upon arrival that the primary interviewer (we’ll call him Roger) was going to be busy all day and would not be able to interview me…but Ed has gladly stepped in to help (names changed to protect the kind-of innocent). I have 3 interviews and a quiz (wtf a quiz?). First interview is the typical, why do you want to work here etc…stuff. On the way to second interview we walk by Roger’s corner office, he is having a doughnut and flirting with some larger blond girl. Hmmm….busy indeed.

Interview 2 was more of the same, nothing special, and interview 3 was with a guy who “really doesn’t know the group that well since I’m in another department. I just agreed to do this interview because they know me.” After interview 3, we walk by Rogers office again, he’s watching a video on his computer with some other guys (no longer can see blonde.)

Time for the quiz. I’m shown into a conference room, given a pad of paper, a pencil and the quiz. Question 1: There are 10 bottles on a table, 2 are beer, 2 are milk, 3 are water and 3 are poison (question changed slightly). If a beer and a water have to be on one end etc…

Which of the following is true:

a) If the second bottle is milk, would you drink the 7^th bottle?

b) If the 10^th bottle is water and the second one is poison, who’s on first?

c) Etc…

There are 24 questions, halfway into question 3 I have to pee (probably all the talk about bottles of liquid). I coolly slip out of the conference room, out the office door and into the very clean bathroom…..zip, all done, hands washed, ready to tackle the next 21 questions, f*ck, the office door is locked shut, I need a pass to get back in.

10 minutes pass (I now have 35 mins left for the questions) and finally I track down secretary who is willing to let me back in (but only after she confirms with Roger that I am in fact an interviewee. Whew, back in my conference room, ready to tackle the rest of these questions.

Question 7:

At the junior Olympics there are 5 events and 4 teams. Each event has a gold, silver and bronze medal. Answer the following questions with the following assumptions:

Team 1 doesn’t win any golds

Team 2 wins 3 golds

No team goes 2 events without winning a medal

No team wins 2 gold consecutively

Team 4 is full of American idol contestants who thought this was the special olympics

(ok I made last one up, and the special Olympics are awesome)

If Team 3 gets a gold medal in event 2, what is Team 4’s favorite survivor episode:

a) The one where the mean gay guy got the immunity idol and won

b) Snooki is the obviously the best character

c) You got punk’d

d) Imma let you finish.

Finished there and now I have my HR contact to give me the summary and I’m done.

On my way out I run into Roger again, heading out to grab a coffee with the blonde coworker. He has a wedding band, she does not, I notice these little things. He wishes me luck, I return the gesture, and I'm out.

Interview done, but honestly, I think I’m better off at my dead-end job than that company. More on that dead end job later.

Blog post number 1!

2010-01-21T13:31:00.001-08:00

So I'm going to take this blog and run with it. Really go places. Forgive the dorky title :)